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Good afternoon friends,
Lately, I have been wondering why the heck joy seems so elusive. I often think back to when I felt joyful over many things almost every day. I felt lighter. Lately, though (as in the last 5ish years), I have just felt far more pessimistic and dark, and it’s starting to take a toll on me. I think when I do feel joyful, it’s immediately partnered with either guilt or worry/anxiety, over all of the bad and the possible bad that may still be coming.
I know a large portion of this negativity and lack of joy is due to the absolute cluster fuck of a government, country, and people that are so loud right now, but I also learned to acknowledge recently that they are going to do fuck all to make that better. It is ultimately up to me.
“Frodo: I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”
Melissa (my partner) and I recently celebrated our 6-year wedding anniversary (yay us!), and while at dinner, we ended up having such a wonderful and vulnerable conversation, and one of the topics we touched on was why joy feels so elusive. Like we can feel it and know it’s there, but it’s so difficult to hold on to for more than a minute. Melissa then reminded me of a really obvious yet impactful thing that I failed to remember: (paraphrasing) “they win when we stop feeling joy and become so bogged down that we just live day to day in sadness”. Damnit if that isn’t true. I refuse to let this cabal of billionaires, rapists, racists, murderers, and pedophiles dictate my joy. I will still be angry, yes, with a touch of pessimism, and a healthy dose of reality, but I refuse to continue to be joyless.
You guys get two quotes from Tolkien today because they are oh so relevant.
Frodo: “What are we holding on to, Sam?”
Sam: “That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.”
I know I am not alone in these feelings, and I know there are many good people out there who make this world beautiful, all of you included.
Song of the week
I watched the 3rd (or 4th) Transformers this week for funsies, and this song played, and goddamnit, I just love it so much. I hadn’t listened to Linkin Park in a minute, so shoutout to Chester for being a beautiful and talented soul.
I used to sad out to this song back in the day.
What am I reading? What have I read?
I started “ON Fascism” by Matthew C. MacWilliams because I wanted to learn more about our current predicament and the history of fascism in America. I a 8% of the way done becaue I just started it, I’ll update when I have finished it.
You can find her book on Thriftbooks.com
“An expert on American authoritarianism offers a searing rebuke of the exceptional narrative that dominates our understanding of US history. In 12 lessons, Matthew C. MacWilliams' On Fascism exposes the divisive rhetoric, strongman tactics, violent othering, and authoritarian attitudes that course through American history and compete with our egalitarian, democratic aspirations. Trumpism isn't new, but rooted in our refusal to come to terms with this historical reality.”
What am I smoking?
RoMa Craft Neanderthal HS Gran Corona 5.75 × 56. I got a box of 15 of these because I have always had the SGP and HN sizes in my humidors, and these guys are great. Not my favorite size, but it still delivers every time.
Blender - Skip Martin
Origin - Nicaragua
Wrapper - San Andrés Mexican
Filler - Dominican Republic, Nicaragua, USA Pennsylvania
Binder - Connecticut Broadleaf
Body - Medium
The neanderthals by RomaCraft might consistently be in my top 5 cigars ever. I like the SGP and HN sizes best, though.
Something that pissed me off
My neighbors behind us have a fucking concert-level speaker system and drunkenly (and off-key) sang karaoke from 5 pm until 12:30 am, literally nonstop. I dont like to yuck on people’s yum, but it broke my patience after hour 4.
My cousin-in-law lost his shit and threatened me when I called out something his mom said that glorified some pieces of shits in the government and demonized diversity and inclusion for kids in the scouts. Well his response was on par for a white cop Magat in Louisiana, but it left me super uncomfortable to be reminded that there are real assholes out there ready to sell their soul for such hatred. On the plus side, it was nice to officially cut them out of our lives.
What has been good and life-giving?
My older neighbor texted our neighborhood text thread this week and invited anyone over to hang out on the porch since the weather was wonderful. He admitted he doesn’t host very much, but he was putting himself out there, and I was really proud of him. It’s not easy inviting 25 strangers over on a whim. It was last minute, so I was the only person who showed up, and I told myself mentally that I was only going for a quick 30 minutes…well, that was not accurate cause if I hit it off with you and I have a cigar, I am happy.
It was a really great conversation getting to know him, and I found out he is also agnostic and not MAGA, so it was a really great time. He is a musician as well, so I am thinking we will do a little neighborhood concert soon, and Melissa (if she accepts) can play the harp, and he can play piano or guitar. We also have a few other musicians in the neighborhood, so we are going to make it happen.My other neighbor got a massive truckload of woodchips/mulch, and she texted out for anyone to come get as much as they wanted. I decided this year would be the year to mulch a pathway around our raised garden beds and make the whole shebang a little prettier. Melissa and I also got to know her better through this, so that was a sweet thing.
I saw an OWL. I was in my garage, and this owl flew down on the fence, maybe 10 feet away, and just stared at me. It was nighttime, and I know it was hunting mice and rats, as I saw a bunch scurry past my driveway not 2 nights prior. It was such a cool experience so close in real life (not at a zoo). I may or may not have giggled by myself watching this owl. I found joy in that moment.
Goals for the week?
Go to the mountains with my brother, sister-in-law, and wife, and just be.
Finish my book while in the mountains!
Continue my goal from last week and try to get 5 bulls eyes shooting my bow. I got 3 so far. I shot 18 arrows in one round. So I want to get 5 out of 18.
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